Traffic Light (The Ting Tings - 2008)

"Let sleeping dogs lie." ~ American Proverb

I was having a nice relaxing drive home on a beautiful Spring morning. Having dropped Jessie at school minutes earlier - I was lost in thought as Lulu sat strapped in her carseat quietly watching Piglet's Big Movie on DVD.

What I was thinking about I can't remember. But I do remember a feeling of bliss; thinking how rare, peaceful moments like this are in my stay-at-home day. I was with child, a terrible-twos-year-old no less, and there was no talking, yelling, screaming, singing, banging, knocking, kicking, running, tooting, asking, telling, crying, sneezing, wiping, picking, drinking, slurping, burping, or eating.

The only thing missing from the moment was The Eagles playing their 1973 hit "Peaceful Easy Feeling" over the car radio. In its place was Carly Simon's voice coming from Hundred Acre Woods, singing the playful "A Mother's Intuition."

It's a mother's intuition
To make a little space
It's her quiet mission to tidy up her place
A mother's intuition is like a kangaroo's
She hops around, she mops the ground
She fusses over you

A mother

With her intuition
Will know just what to do

As the song played, I remember thinking how cute it is that Lulu always breaks into a smile when she hears it. I have to believe it's because she's thinking of her own "Mama," and how she too "fusses" and always knows "just what to do." (And not because, like me, she finds the image of Elizabeth mopping, comical.) Listening to the song is the last peaceful, easy, feeling I would have for the remaining fifteen minute ride home.

All was right in the world . . . that is until my FATHER'S intuition kicked in and I had to open my BIG FAT YAPPER! . . .

I stepped in it while stopped at a traffic light. It was there that I tragically broke from nirvana for a teaching moment.

Pointing to the red traffic light I said, "See Lulu? When the light is red, Daddy stops. And when it turns green, Daddy can go."

Peeking over the passenger side front seat, unexpectedly Lulu screamed, "Dad, I see a green light! Go! Daddy go! Go!"

With a number of cars ahead of me in the left turn lane, I couldn't yet move. I chuckled and calmly tried to explain this exception to the green light rule, "Okay, okay, okay. But I can't go yet, I have to wait for the cars in front of me to go first. Then I can go."

Lulu would have nothing of it. The light was green Amsterdammit, put the pedal to the metal! She continued screaming, "Daddy go! Daddy go! Daddy go!" Thankfully the cars cleared and seconds later I was able to turn.

Although she was a tad (or two) overly enthusiastic, I was impressed with how quickly she picked up the concept. Yes, it was kind of annoying, but cute in a childhood Macaulay Culkin kind of way.

Less than a minute later we approached another traffic signal. Lulu, the newest member of the the Traffic Light Nazi Party, was at it again.

"Daddy go! . . . Yellow light! Red light! Stop! Daddy stop! Stop car stop!"

Okay, not cute anymore. Just kind of annoying in a teenage Macaulay Culkin kind of way. I told Lulu to "quiet down" and to use her "inside voice." But the kid was obsessed, she wouldn't listen.

"Green light! Daddy go! Daddy go! Green! Go!" she screamed.

Oh man, what had I done? I yearned for the good ol' days of a minute earlier. Everywhere I turned, more traffic lights, accompanied by more screaming. In my mind I frantically navigated the route home with the least number of traffic lights. It didn't really matter, six one way, half a dozen another.

"I can't see see the green light! I can't see! I can't see! . . . Daddy, I see a green light! Go! Go!

Light after light. . .

I can't see the light! I can't see the green light! Over there! Red! I see a red light. Stop! Stop! . . . Go! Green Daddy! Go! Green! Go!"

After light. . .

"You've got to wait for a green light! I see a red light. Stop Daddy stop!

"Lulu shhhh! Daddy can see the lights." I countered, but I had lost control many lights ago.

This went on until we passed the last signal about a half-mile from home. By the time we pulled into our garage, I had a splitting headache and Lulu was showing symptoms of traffic light withdrawal: exhaustion, sweating, and a runny nose.

My parental teaching moment turned into a parental learning moment. I learned that "father's intuition" can't be trusted, sometimes a dog should just "Let sleeping puppies lie," and there are a lot of frickin' traffic lights between home and Jessie's school.

“On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...” ~ Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian (1968 - 2005)

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The editors of "Confessions of a Trophy Husband" are telling me this is where the story should end. A tired, screamed out toddler; a Dad vowing never to utter the words "traffic" and "light" together again; and an unconventional quote comparing traffic lights to bananas, from a dead unconventional comedian. But no, this is my blog and I'll run-on if I want to . . . and I want to. Because this last piece of the story is not just coincidental, it's a little freaky deaky doo . . .

So, I carried Lulu from the car to my bedroom and plopped her down on the unmade bed.  Propping her head on a king-sized pillow, I told her she was going to watch a little more TV while I took a quick shower. She was happy about this, and I was just happy to have the whole traffic light, stop and go incident behind us.

I turned on the TV and changed the channel to PBS Kids Sprout. "The Sunny Side Up Show" was on, hosted by Kelly and Chica, the squeaking chicken puppet.

As I began to undress I heard Kelly say, "Today, on The Sunny Side Up Show, we are talking about the meaning of the words 'stop' and 'go'. . ."

Say what? I froze in horror, holding my breath as I waited for her screaming to begin again. I slowly turned to look at Lulu. She was watching the TV with a big smile on her face.

Let sleeping puppies lie.

She turned her head and smiled at me with the same cheeky smile.

Let sleeping puppies lie.

I gently smiled back.

Let sleeping puppies lie.

She continued watching the show.

Exhale.

And I let the sleepy puppy lie, as I took a shower.

"Let sleeping puppies lie" ~ Jack Butler, American Stay-at-home Dad